"The worst way to miss someone"

verykenny@gmail.com — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 07:25:00 GMT

So once again it's been a while.
I'll just do a really quick update.
I'm broke.
I'm back together with Austin and I'm really happy about it. I'm actually really excited.
I got into the national college honor choir of 48 members.
I did not make it into Oberlin.
I have decided to go to Jackson for the summer to work with Kristin. This time I'll have somebody to be miserably bored out of my mind with.
I have health insurance

verykenny@gmail.com — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:29:19 GMT

So I got a job at pizza hut as a delivery driver and I put in my 2 weeks notice at Wells Fargo. I'm actually pretty scared to leave wells fargo where I knew exactly how much I was going to get paid and at pizza hut I know I'll get at least minimum wage..but what after that? The manager said that on a bad day they were making about $12/hr total...if that's true then I'm really set. We'll see.

I have officially decided that it would be totally badass to be a witch or have magical powers...just a thought.

I'm kind of upset that my computer always says that my grammar is wrong after I use and ellipsis.

Bored much?

verykenny@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 04:52:36 GMT

If you were an alien and came to Earth, what would you tell the folks back home about the planet, its people, etc?

Submitted By sweetinsanity90

View 500 Answers

Notions on the Planet Earth and it's Intelligent(?) Inhabitants.

Our people have, in the past, examined earth with great care. For thousands of years we came and watched as the now dominant beings of this planet grew in population and power. It was assumed by previous researchers that these animals would never amount to much. They guessed that the animals would populate the earth and then, like so many other species, we would witness their extermination through some natrual disaster. They have, however, survived countless years and we are just now beginning to see the very beginning of what we assume to be their demise. Demise at their own hands.

Overpopulation.
It would seem that the human population continues to grow despite the fact that nature has tried, numerous times, to wipe them out. Surviving ice ages and super volcanoes, these beings live up to a standard set only by cockroaches.
Through research we have found that they know that they are overpopulating their planet, they even know of the consequences of it, yet the majority of them continues to do nothing about it. They keep prisoners alive, they continue to procreate (despite the fact that many of them are living in poverty and cannot afford children), and they keep the older generations alive as long as possible. The humans are even trying to find new ways to stay alive longer.
There are a select few that seem to be doing something about the problem of overpopulation. They call themselves "Pro-Choice". They have decided to kill pre-natal infants-keeping the population in control. Whether this is their goal or not, we cannot be sure. Other's contributing to the solution are countries such as the United States of America. They must see that overpopulation is a problem because they are sending many people to "war", which results in death. We are not familiar with this "war", but on earth when one group of people have something that another group of people want they they kill eachother till they get it or they are wiped out. Very barbaric, I understand, but it does create a simple solution to the problem of overpopulation.

Standard of Living Due to Greed
We live in a world with a system that the earthlings would call "communism." To them, communism, is looked down upon-hated, in fact. People who bring up the idea of communism are ridiculed, sometimes put to death. Several of their nations have tried it in the past, failing horribly. It would seem that it is because of the failure of these nations that "communism" is reguarded as, well, evil. The failure of communism on earth takes it's roots from the human emotion called Greed. If it were not for Greed, then I am quite positive that communism would have taken a better hold on earth.
Greed. Man wanting everything for himself. Man not wanting other man to have what he has. Greed seems to have caused most of the world's wealth, 98% in fact, to belong to only 1% of the population. The remaining 2% is to be spread among the rest of the world, and not equally either. There is a very very poor distribution of goods on earth. Some have none while others have far to much. Those that have too much do tend to share a little but only to reap the tax benefits. Man does not care about his fellow man. This is why communism is looked down upon on earth. Because that would mean they would have to care for eachother. They obviously can't have that. These are only my speculations, of course.
It is important to note that while there are many greedy humans on the earth there are a select few who seem to care for another. Their voices are, however, drowned out by the majority.

Pollution.
The humans have grown so much in population and technology that they are begining to ruin the very planet they reside on. I have seen it, with my own eyes, humans walking to a bush and throwing trash in it when they could have walked just as far to a trash receptacle. This is just one of the little things, I admit, but little things like that would not be accepted on our home planet.
Pollution seems to be their biggest concern at the moment. But it doesn't seem to be that great of a concern. In the United States for instance, they worry about the pollution problem but the only plans they have for changing anything start to really take effect 10 to 20 earth-years down the road. Other countries don't care at all and pollute simply because it's cheap.

Religion.
Foreign to us, the humans have something called religion. It is very difficult to define because so many things fit into this category. But simply put, Religion is a means for looking down upon other people who don't see things the same way you do. By any other name this would seem rude. But by calling it "religion", it is more than acceptable, it is expected.
It does not stop at looking down upon others. It goes as far as war and torture, simply trying to force others to think the same way you do. Religion is very barbaric and that is obviously why we are above it.
It is important to note that there are some religions that are focused on compassion towards others. But ultimately they are right and the others are wrong.

These are a few of the things that I see as problems for the human race.

They give themselves no mercy.

Different

verykenny@gmail.com — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 04:34:47 GMT

I think I've been pretty lucky to the point that I improve at just about everything without having to try. I think I'm to the point that I have to improve at everything I do or else I'm not happy. But I'm so used to not having to do anything to improve that if I can't do it without trying then I give up.

my macbook's battery lights up when it's charging and fully charged...that's pretty awEsome.

I have to tell you something. It's pretty big actually. I'm really starting to feel like somebody. Somebody different, unique, special. I'm just beginning to realize all this and it's quite empowering. I guess I just never knew that I really was somebody. Not just a somebody like everybody else...but a somebody that isn't everybody else. I'm finally learning who I am.

On top of that...buddhism is really starting to work for me I think.

There's a thunderstorm outside..I love it.

verykenny@gmail.com — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 19:15:52 GMT

so, guess what I just got yesterday!! My macbook! OMG, it's so wonderful. It's light and small and fast and nice and clean and it's so much easier than silly windows. I'm beginning to realize that my macbook loves me...it really does...and windows is just a player hater...yeah.
I pirated iwork and microsoft office because I figured I would need them for school. I have to keep my HP because it has finale 2008 on there and that's about 800 dollars and it also has my porn on there...can't get rid of that. and it will be kinda nice to have 2 computers..it also has WoW on there. And it has more space for my shit.
And the screen sharing is amazing. I was having trouble yesterday with Transmission and ian helped me out. I thought that was amazing. oh and I love spaces, it keeps everything nice and organized.
Kenny is in love

glory to god in the highest

verykenny@gmail.com — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 01:11:21 GMT

Dude so I just got my itouch yesterday Its pretty fucking awesome. This post... Yeah its from my iPod. Ahhh. I feel like the haleluia chorus should be playing right now. So now I just have to wait for my macbook, which should be arriving on tuesday...which is too far away. Ah. I'm in love.

Cookie Jars full of nothing.

verykenny@gmail.com — Sun, 11 May 2008 03:34:40 GMT

so i have nothing to do. I've moved in and mary and michelle have left for pierre. I called puffer to see if he wanted to go to clue with me and he didn't answer. I've been WoW all night. I decided a while ago i should take a break and get mcdonalds. After getting food i drove by austin's house to see if he was there. I don't know why I did. I stopped calling him. He called me that one night and then didn't do anything after that. It looks to me like he doesn't want to talk at all. I just wish he would tell me something, especially what has changed since the last time we actually talked. As I was driving around his house I kept thinking about all the time I had spent there and about us...and how much fun we used to have. I'm so backwards...i really just don't know what I want. Actually, I know that I want the same relationship that I had 2 years ago with him. We were sooo cute and so happy...all we wanted to do was see each other and that's all that used to matter. I want that again. But it won't happen again. I think I've just grown out of that...I don't know if he has but I think I have. That cute obsession for the other person...yeah, it's been gone for a long time. I mean I might still be obsessive but not in the cute way.
I'm still really sad that I didn't know that Clue was going this weekend. I figured somebody would have told me if not Austin.

I was really excited about this summer...hopefully it's just this first week that's going to suck. I have a feeling that after I start at Wylie and when the weather gets better things will start getting better. I hope.

verykenny@gmail.com — Sat, 10 May 2008 05:25:50 GMT

so i've moved my stuff into my house for the summer. all my stuff is in the dining room because my room still has a guy in it. He's out tomorrow so i'll get to move all my stuff completely in tomorrow! i'm pretty excited. and there's a 5th person staying here so rent is going to be really really cheap. i'm really excited!!!
and I have the weekend off!

So clue the musical is this weekend. i'm pretty upset that i didn't know about it. Puffer went to it with mary and that's who I found out from.

verykenny@gmail.com — Wed, 07 May 2008 05:02:47 GMT

I was watching Juno today after work. Well, I walked in about halfway through. Juno is pretty awEsome. The tone of the whole movie reminds me of old polaroid pictures. Very nostalgic.

verykenny@gmail.com — Fri, 02 May 2008 03:56:06 GMT

I'm pretty upset because the internet has been running pretty slowly. i've just realized that this is because, after accidentally deleting all of my movies on my computer, I'm downloading 7 movies right now...so yeah...things are running a little slow.
Bach, I've recently come to conclude, hates me. He doesn't let me breathe, ever. He thinks I can do anything...and he thinks I'm a cello. This is not conducive to....to ...somebody who is trying to sound good. He should have realized that.

I got on the phones for auto today...realized that i know nothing...not even how to leave a message. It's all good though...keeps my adrenaline running.

Tomorrow is the last day of classes. I'm pretty sad about it. For one thing that means we have finals next week. Another, everybody is going to be leaving. Kelsey, Reagan, Michelle. I suppose there are a lot of people staying. Mary, Julie, Trever, Danie, Puffer and Carrie. Actually...not that many people are leaving. But the end of the year is still a sort of "meh" kind of feeling. I'm kinda sad that I probably won't see trever...we don't hang out much now, don't see why we would over the summer. But that gives me a chance to forget about him...move on with life. I've been thinking about being done with boys for a while. Not that I've ever really been with that many...just being done thinking about them. I have this nagging feeling that I won't find another boy in SD anytime soon, if ever. I might as well wait till I'm out of here.

If I could smash anything in my room with a sledge hammer....I would have to say...the air. There is this weird feeling associated with my room...or maybe just the stuff in it. I kind of like the nostalgic feeling but at the same time I really hate it. Its that feeling you get when a movie is over...or at the end of a television season. Like the last episode of the first season of the office...or the last episode of Cowboy Bebop...that feeling that you love but you don't want to feel it. It's everywhere in my room...it's probably my stuff....I don't want to smash all of that though.

damn internet.

verykenny@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 06:46:00 GMT

so this morning...not a very good morning for kenny...

This evening....pretty pretty good for kenny.

verykenny@gmail.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 05:39:11 GMT

hey, so yesterday I didn't really have anything to do so i went with Kelsey to Watertown to pick up her sister, Morgan. It was a pretty fun drive. And her sister is probably one of the coolest people ever. And they're so cute together. they're the cutest sisters I've ever seen. and you can definitely tell that Morgan really looks up to Kelsey. But yeah, Morgan is pretty much the shit.
I really like car rides. When I pass people on the road I try to imagine what they're thinking or where they're going. what kind of people they are. and imagine what kinds of problems they have...whats on their mind. It helps me realize that other people have problems just as big as mine. I mean... maybe they don't...but I'm going to guess that I'm not the only person with problems, you know?

My last day of bankcards was yesterday..so that's awEsome. I start training for auto tomorrow so no more boring work...but also no more doing homework at work.

Ben's been gone all weekend and he just got back.

So I was watching this show about sex with Kelsey. It made me pretty sad. I kept thinking about Trever and , actually, Austin too.
Yeah, Trever has been kind of a dick lately..but that's not news anymore. The other day after I mentioned him being rude he stopped and was really nice to me for the next hour that I saw him. He actually put his arm on my foot...just one of those stupid things that I always look forward too. Then after the Swing dance he started being a douche again.

I got pulled over after the swing dance for an "illegal lane change"...that was exciting. the cop used to be music major at NSU. So we talked about music stuff and he gave me a warning.

two more weeks of school and then i'm done with freshmen year...and I move out.

verykenny@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 06:07:30 GMT

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1.Lifeguard
2. Busboy
3. Passenger Service Agent for American Airlines
4. Collector for Wells Fargo Financial

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Amelie
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show
3. The Dreamers
4. Eddie Izzard (all of his standup)

Four places I have lived:
1. Jackson Hole, WY
2. Idaho Falls, ID
3. Pierre, SD
4. Aberdeen, SD

Four TV shows that I watch:
1. The Office
2. Cowboy Bebop
3. Law and Order SVU
4. Family Guy

Four places I have been:
1. New York, NY
2. Key West, FL
3. Playa del Carmen, Mexico
4. Sacramento

Four people who e-mail me (regularly)
1. My supervisor
2. My dad
3. My bank
4. Facebook

Four favorite things to eat:
1. Peanut Butter Sandwich
2. Cheese Pizza
3. Salmon
4. Water (does that count?)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On stage performing
2. New York, NY
3. Somewhere in Europe
4. My mom's house

Four of your favorite kinds of music or musical artists:
1. The Killers
2. Mozart
3. Jack's Mannequin
4. Death Cab for Cutie

Four friends I think will repost:
umm...don't have too many friends here that would repost...
don't judge...

Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Starting school next year
2. Meeting new people
3. Living on my own this summer
4. Seeing Eddie Izzard in Minneapolis!!!

verykenny@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:21:11 GMT

I keep forgetting to wish my journal a happy third birthday.
Happy belated third Birthday!!!!! as of april 16th.

So I made $916 tonight from 100 accounts...which is amazing..considering I've usually been getting maybe $400 on a really good day. So hopefully I'll get a big bonus this month, yeah? I need it for school and the car.

The guy from Storybook land theatre called me today and said he was going to send me the stuff for auditions...that would be such a good job but I think austin was going to try and audition too. that would be slightly awkward.

I don't remember if I mentioned this. Opera scenes went really well. Afterwards austin wanted to talk and explain the situation with me because he thought I should know what's going on from him. not just from kristen and eryn. He said that he didn't want to talk to me because it was too hard. So i told him I would leave him alone and he should call me when he wants to talk again. So later that day he calls me to drop off my luggage which was weird...he wanted to see me again. After that kristen called and said he had called her crying because I didn't want to see him anymore...-sigh-
So i emailed him and told him what I had been thinking. that I wanted to be able to talk to him. that I still love him and want to be a part of his life and that I hate Jordan. And he e-mail me back saying that he was really happy to get my message and the next night he unblocked me on facebook but didn't add me. And he hasn't called since....so..yeah.

I'm pretty sad that Obama lost PA...but what do you do. and it makes me so made that danie and kelsey are so for hillary and sooo against obama. they just kept rubbing it in peoples faces that obama sucked and he didn't know what he was doing. I think that it's fine they support Hillary...but they don't have to be so rude about it. If obama had won I would have been happy but I wouldn't be bashing hillary. I completely support hillary. They just need to not be so rude. They just need to stop bashing the other candidates. All of them are very competent and qualified and would hopefully do great things for the US. Argh...it makes me so mad that they have to be so close minded. And NO, I would NOT be doing the same thing they were if obama had won.

BAH!

verykenny@gmail.com — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 04:13:34 GMT

I feel like I complain so much to kelsey and everybody that the only way I can rant is with this...and I'm even to the point where I'm sick of myself complaining here...But I have to let stuff out somewhere right.

I got eryn's password for facebook so i could see austin's page because I found out that he did the same thing even though he didn't want to have the temptation of looking at my page. and he deleted everything, which I expected, except a quote I had. Then I checked it today and he took it off...I realized he's trying to get every little inkling that I ever existed out of his life.
I talked ot kristen and eryn and puffer and some have said that he wants to talk to me but is afraid that I don't want to talk to him and others have said that he doesn't want to talk to me to avoid temptation and then someone said that he wasn't mad at me anymore.

well...I called him and he ignored my call so i shreaded the painting he gave me...I felt a bit better after that.
I'm really not the best buddhist...not at all....

And trever pays no attention to me and that makes everything a whole lot worse.

and I feel like kelsey doesn't like me because I complain a lot....so i've tried to quit being such a downer around her.

and I don't know why i'm so upset about austin...don't know.

Success! and cheese

verykenny@gmail.com — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 02:59:41 GMT

YAY, I got the job with Aberdeen Parks at Wylie for this summer!!!!!!!

So, I watched this documentary today called "this movie is not rated" it's about the MPAA and how they rate stuff and how it isnt fair. Kinda made me a little upset. No as upset as Sicko made me. ARgh, that movie just kills me. If you havn't seen it i strongly recommend it. and they're playing Nintendo Kareoke downstairs but it got a little boring so I came to my room to eat really expensive presliced cheese and wheate Ritz. I have to say, I'm not a really big fan of the swiss cheese. It has that weird taste that just sits in my mouth forever. but it's expensive so I have to finish it all. The pepper jack was outstanding, really, best ever.
So we have our Opera Scenes performance this weekend. There are three operas that we choose scenes from and they're about 15 min each-ish. All three mozart- Magic Flute, Marriage of Figaro and Cosi Fan Tutte. I made it into the act 1 finale of cosi as the totally amazing bass, Gugleilmo. it's pretty amazing, i'm so excited. it's all in english so the audience doesn't wonder why a doctor that looks like the maid is waive a magnet over our dead bodies and we're shaking uncontrollably and then we come back to life....it's very comedic really. I'm sure you want to hear all about it though.
SO! i'm staying in aberdeen all this summer working for Wells Fargo and at Wylie park where Storybook Island is. I found this house with 3 other guys and they have a mini collie and a baby beagle!!! I'm so excited for puppies!!!

So I had a nice talk with kristen last night till 2 in the morning and we talked about Austin. And today I talked to Eryn about austin and she said that he blocked me so that he couldn't see my page...but he still goes on her facebook and looks at my stuff. and that just made me more upset. And he wants to talk to me but he doesn't think that I want to talk to him but when I call he ignores me and sends an e-mail. And ontop of that he's scared he'll talk to me. grah!

and trever is flaky.

dreams and dream jobs

verykenny@gmail.com — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:45:24 GMT

What's keeping me from my dream job??? one of those questions that they have for people with writers block.

Not enough practice or time spent training. 6 more years and i'll be set hopefully. heh.

We had a pretty interesting talk about being circumcised downstairs tonight...heh.

Dreams are very insightful i have got to say. Maybe not so much insightful but...exciting. I couldn't remember my dream this morning until Puffer and I talked about Paul and that's when it hit me. Yeah, so in this dream we were downstairs watching a movie and for some reason there were beds in the lobby and after the movie I fell asleep on one only to be woken up by Paul who was climbing into bed with me. He laid ontop of me and started to make out with me and he really wasn't that good but it didn't really matter to me, haha. and then he realized that I wasn't Karla and he had a mini freak-out. I just told him I didn't know what was going on. So after he found out that I wasn't Karla he just lays down next to me and cuddles with me and soon we're making out again. Pretty nice dream...too bad he's not that great of a kisser.
Paul is one of those really crazy people whose mind moves way to fast for you to follow but in a really sexy way...you know? yeah. Can't say that i minded the dream. heh.

Dr. Zaidan had a coniption fit today at opera scenes when julie left to go to work. Yeah...we were having practice but inorder to afford school she has to work. 5 minutes later i had to leave for work too.

Oh! I had my interview for Wylie parks and rec today...I'm pretty sure i got the job...yay concessions!....heh. It'll be a nice change from getting yelled at working for wells fargo.

verykenny@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 05:04:18 GMT

So, I went to minneapolis to see courtney and The Wiz. I really wish NSU had as much talent as that. It was so amazing. It was still a college show and in parts of it you could tell...but the overall perfomance was very professional. NSU is kinda suckin.
I'm hoping that opera scenes will go well. I have a feeling that if anybody is going to fuck up Cosi fan Tutte it's going to be adam. he doesn't know what he's doing at all. He's the choirs little bass prodigy and he knows everything, but he is really sucking up opera scenes. Yeah, the rest of us have our problems but his are just overwhelming.

I have a job interview tomorrow for Wylie parks and Rec...i'm hoping to get the job for park maintenance so i can get a tan this summer and work outside to off set working for wells fargo, right?

So it was a 5.5 hour drive to and from the cities and i was really dreading it but being by myself was kinda nice...you know. I got to think about stuff...I didn't really get anything sorted out. I still really like trever, i'm still mad at Austin for being immature and stubborn, and i'm doing fine with the break up. Exactly how i felt before the drive but being alone and thinking just kind of...solidified everything.

i get to reserve a new room for next year tomorrow. I don't really have one picked out but it's definitly going to be on the other side of the building so that I can have a nicer view of campus...i'm pretty excited.

OMG, so i have a room this summer in a house with 3 guys right. I've never really been comfortable around guys...especially really guy guys...you know? but I know one of them really well so that makes it a little better. And to top it off they just got the cutest beagle puppy ever!!!! i'm so excited for puppies!!! YAY!

Food

verykenny@gmail.com — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:03:16 GMT

I'm sick of being at work and haveing nothing to do. I call people all day because they're late on their credit cards. But nobody answers anymore so I just sit there and read the new on cnn.com. Before I started working for wells fargo I thought that american economy was fine but after haveing nothing to do but read the news.. I'm realizing how bad it's beginning to get. Everything is going up. Families can't afford to eat out, people are starting to just drop off their cars at finance branches because they can't afford them anymore. People are just leaving their houses with the keys in the mail box because they can't afford their mortgage anymore. The whole country is in debt...it's just ridiculous..and I wonder if Europe is having our problem? Or china? or Japan? Middle class americans who used to be really well of are beginning to struggle for the first time in their lives...it's crazy.
I can't wait to graduate and go to grad school and then get out of here. Move to france or germany and begin my career. Frankly I'm sick of america and their relationship to god, and their anti socialized healthcare system and the bueracrats and the politicians and the senate who can't manage to do anything remotely productive. Education!!argh! my friend did a paper and found out that if we sold one of our airforces bombers it would more than double the state of south dakota's educational budget. I'm really sick of this country...can't we do any better? seriously? the wealthiest nation in the world...and we can't do shit compared to britian and the rest of europe.
argh. so upset right now.
any my situation with trever doesn't help much. all I can ever think about and I make myself sick saying that.

I'm not the best buddhist i'm beginning to realize....i have a long way to go....

Run

verykenny@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:47:17 GMT

to think I might not see those eyes

1. How old will you turn in 2009?
20...yeah, that means I still have 6 years of training left.

2. Do you think you'll be married by then?
haha...i'm gonna say no.

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 6 months?
school next year...hopefully meeting some awEsome new people

4. Do you have a best friend?
I'm gonna say I have two. courtney will always be my best friend (even though I've been feeling distance lately) and then there's kelsey whose always happy to see me here.

5. Last thing you bought?
Black poster board and black balloons to decorate matt's cubicle for his b-day.

6. Do you prefer to call or text?
I think it depends on who it is.

7. Do you have any pets?
no. But I'm moving into a house that has an awesome little puppy, a beagle!

8. What were you doing at 1:30 am?
I was asleep by then...not much sense in staying up just to mope, right?

9. What were you doing at 3:00 am?
dreaming...

10. When was the last time you saw your mom?
christmas...too long ago..I miss my mum

11. What is your mood?
mopey...frustrated...

12. How many houses have you lived in?
one house...two apartments...one townhouse...2 trailers

13. Would you say you're a friendly person?
I try really hard to be...I'm just not very good in big social situations...

14. Favorite food that you cook?
scrambled eggs

15. Do you play any sports?
I think that singing counts here...it's my biggest workout...more so than running when you do it correctly.

16. Who do you hate right now?
trever for leaving me hanging with nothing to go off of. Austin for blocking me out of his life.

17. Are you missing someone?
yes.

18. What are your favorite shoes?
Dr. martins that are brown leather and black...and my black cons.

19. What is/are your favorite TV show/s?
The office!!!! (us)

20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Grape!

21. Do you like coffee?
Yeah...it's nice in the morning. Makes my days start out really really well.

22. What are you listening to?
Snow Patrol

23. Do you have an iPod?
psh, hells yeah

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
my bed is really small but I suppose i sleep on the right side if your looking down at it...I have to sleep close to the wall...it's a comfort thing.

26. Do you know how to play poker?
I rocked at it last time I played

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Trever...is that bad?

28. Any plans for this weekend?
supposed to see the Wiz in minneapolis but it's going to snow pretty hard...i'll probably have to find something else.

29. Have you cut your hair this week?
no,

30. Last pic you took?
With reagan in Perkins...my facebook picture right now

31. Are you a tease?
no...i usually let people know I like them...i'm not very good at hiding it anyway

32. Do you like more than one person?
no

33. Have you ever been in an ambulance? Why?
no.

34. Do you prefer ocean or pool?
pool seems more sanitary and sharkless

35. Do you smile often?
I try to...even if I'm upset smiling seems to make things better, eh?

36. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
one shouldn't be able go through life without knowing how to.

37. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
used to be clothes...now I'm not really sure. I don't like spending money....maybe food

38. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
i used to but since I stopped dating austin I've kinda stopped....Oh! my buddha necklace!

44. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
this awEsome peppy spanish song...I don't know what it is....it makes me feel good when people call

45. When did you last get a kiss?
don't know....i'm trying not to think about that now...heh

46. Do you like long car rides?
yes, but not by myself

47. Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
hmm...I don't think I do

48. Do you like bacon?
I'm vegetarian

49. How do you feel about Diet Dr. Pepper?
...I try not to drink pop either, heh.

50. Last person to text you?
ashly congradulating my on winning my singing competition

yeah....

damn boys and their wishy washy ways

verykenny@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:14:13 GMT

So I've been feeling that trever has been avoiding me and not wanting to talk to me right. So I get off work tonight and call Jenna back who says that we were going to watch The little mermaid with trever but he decided that he didn't want to because he's lame. I figured that would happen. So I go to the 4th floor lounge with kelsey and find trever there and he asks where i've been and says that we're supposed to watch the little mermaid. And I don't understand. Everyday till now he's avoided talking to me and being around me and now he's telling me that we have to watch the little mermaid. So after Little Bush is over we go to kelsey's room and to watch the movie but leslie is there and i sit on her bed and trever sits on the floor. He says what if leslie wants to go to bed? and in my crazy head I think he meant that I should move? and sit somewhere closer to him. of course...i'm probably crazy.
So jenna says we should go to her room. and i sit on jenna's bed and trever takes the top bunk and he asks where kelsey is going to stay if I'm on the bottom...of course i took that to mean I should stay on top with him...but I didn't want to look stupid so i stayed where I was. Then we laid like we always did when we used to watch movies and he started to do what he used to when he would rub my feet from the top. I put my feet on the ladder and he would rub them. So his hand was less than an inch away and when jenna was talking and looked at him he moved his hand...like he always did..like he didn't want her to see it there. and she would look away and then his hand would move back...but he never touched me!! tantalizing!ah...then he would move his hand back beside him and a little while later it would be inches away but only touch me once...it was so frustrating. and every time jenna would look at him he would move it away and then move it back. it was ridiculous! what is going on in his head?
Yesterday he was standing in his doorway and when I walked by he didn't say a word and today he's asking where I was and telling me that I we are going to watch a movie and he's doing almost exactly what he used to do...I want to tell kelsey but I have a feeling she's getting sick of hearing about it.
Her explanation is that he doesn't not like me...he doesn't like the idea of me..or the idea of being gay...he's trying to avoid it. He used to do all this stuff and he doesn't anymore because he turned off the..gay part of him or whatever she said. He's just scared of the idea of me or something like that...and I guess it makes sense...
I just wish he would make up his mind and decide that he likes boys already...boys..in particular- me.

on another note..it's supposed to snow about 12 inches...the weather is ridiculous...it snows then melts completely and then snows like crazy again.

Work is more boring than ever. we just sit there and don't talk to anybody. Today we talked about buddhism and homosexuality and republicans. That made the time go by rather quickly.

I'm supposed to go to The Wiz this weekend but I don't know if I'll make it because of the weather.

A breath of Fresh air?

verykenny@gmail.com — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 04:28:06 GMT

so, i broke up with austin for the last time a week ago to night. It seems like it was a lot longer ago than that. we got back together, I thought that I could fix things and I realized that they weren't getting fixed and that on top of it I just wasn't attracted to him anymore...which is crazy. i'm probably the only person in the world now. Every other guys he's ever going to meet is going to think he's the fucking shit..of which I'm extremely jealous. REALLY jealous...you know?
So he decided to block me on facebook...which I feel is quite immature. He's mad that i wasted a week of his life. Well, I told him before we got back together that I was afraid something might go wrong and look, it did. I tried...i gave it my all to fix it and I just wasn't feeling any different...but jenna is proud of me. She says that i was hurting him more just by staying with him and not loving him like I should. So...makes sense. Actually a lot of my friends are proud of me. Kelsey said she thought it was a bad idea getting back together in the first place.
Soo...yeah..haven't talked to him in a while...i still need to pick up my luggage from his house...

So, I really like trever now. and you know at the beginning of the semester he used to text me and talk to me all the time and he would ask kelsey where i was and we would watch tons of movies together and play footsie and all that fun shit right. -sigh- I don't think he likes me anymore..if he did. He doesn't talk to me, or text me or anything really...i get the feeling that he tries to avoid me. So i'm going to have to start getting over that soon. It's weird...we spent 2 hours the night before I broke up with austin talking and he kept telling me why I should break up with him...and now he doesn't talk to me at all. I really really like trever...but it obviously isn't going to be working out for my benefit here.
I think I just want a boy.
I'm going to read this someday and realize that most of this is really pathetic. I was talking with reagan and she says that she doesn't write in her journal anymore because when she goes back and reads it sound so petty and ridiculous...which i completely understand...and this is just going to be one of those entries someday...

I have this feeling that I'm going to start acting a lot like I did before i met austin...listening to the same music...doing the same stuff...I dunno...we'll see.

verykenny@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 19:51:54 GMT

I broke up with Austin monday night. He knew it was coming. said he had known for the past couple of weeks. He was still pretty upset. It's weird not having him around anymore. It's only been a few days and I think ive been ok. I almost started to cry the other night thinking about how he was going to take down all the presents i had made for him. Especially the puzzle. I colored the back of each puzzle piece with a different pattern...it was pretty neat. I still vividly remember doing that with courtney. It was spring and it felt amazing outside. We were in the entrance way to the opera house waiting for Z and we were just coloring all of them. And then TJ showed up and helped out. i still remember how the air felt in a really nostalgic way. I almost started to cry when i imagined him taking it down.
He brought all of my stuff back to puffer so he could give it to me. I really don't want to give any of his stuff back...but I suppose i have to.
I really really wish we can be friends. I know once I get over being jealous of all his other gay friends hitting on him I'll be able to be his friend. I don't know if he'd want to though.
i think I'm going to leave the latchhook rainbow he made me and the Cabaret painting. I don't want to forget our relationship. It was 2 years this month...that's a lot to forget.
It's really scary not having somebody to turn to that you know loves you and you don't have to be paranoid, wondering if they really love you. Like my friends..some of them I still don't know if they really like me or they just tolerate me. Didn't have to worry about that with him. And I miss sleeping on top of him.
I have a "single" status on facebook now...I don't think I've every had a single status on there before...maybe fall my senior year.
I think i'm going to be ok...I can handle this...

Epiphany

verykenny@gmail.com — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 20:07:28 GMT

I was eating breakfast this morning with Austin and we were watching "what not to wear" like we almost always do. For the past couple of weeks I have grown to really not like this show. This morning I really realized why.
Who are we to judge other people and their personal style? They are so rude about their criticisms on the show. I brought this up and Austin said that they had to be rude otherwise the people wouldn't realize that they were.....and he didn't finish. They were what? wrong?
the people on the show..and other people like them, I'm sure make up a good 10% of the population. So just because the majority doesn't dress like them, does that make them wrong. I'm gay..gays make up 10% of the population..does that make me wrong? and backwards? Do the conservative people of the world have to be so rude to me to make me realize how wrong i am; Like on the show, they have to be so rude to make those people realize how wrong they are? how backwards and upside down they are?

Austin said that I was the last person he ever thought would say something like "that". Like i was wrong..like I had joined the dark side and was suddenly sick or something.

is it wrong for a man to dress in womans clothes? is it wrong for a woman to want to wear clothes from the 90s? is it wrong to wear a skirt over pants?

I think it's just plain mean to judge and to criticize whoever wears something that doesn't conform to our idea of normal.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have their own opinions...they should just learn how to be nice to people who don't conform to their idea of normal.

Yes... ever since I came out, i blindly followed the gay stereotype that I had to criticize anything that didn't follow the current ideas of fashion. and i see that I was wrong to be so rude.

verykenny@gmail.com — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 02:44:37 GMT

wow, so I'm pretty sure that it's been a really long time. It would seem that I only like to post here when something is bugging me or I'm mad. But now i'm here simply because I'm bored. I really should have been practicing for hours...but I just wasn't feeling it. I don't feel it very often. I could also be writing a speech.
so, college is going pretty well. I love being a music major. I don't like being forced into marching band and such, but only one more week of that left. I'm considering dropping clarinet lessons so I don't have to be in symphonic band. I really would like some free time. I don't want to be busy all year.
And this wednesday I have a solo class so I have to perform and I get a little group of people to sing with me. I don't know why Dr. Zaidan would have picked this song for me. When I practice with him he makes me feel like someday I will be on stage..and then I get to Chamber rehearsal and I lose all confidance.

So I went to all state chours and got to see katie and seth. YAY! I rode all the way there with Brandon and I really liked that because now I just want to be friends with him. Before that I was just like everybody else and I just thought he was extremely hot. But now I just want to be friends. Pretty neat. We smoked all the way back from Rapid. awEsome time. Really. hehe. It made me really miss steph though. I think I would have had so much more fun if it was all with stephanie. But it wasn't too bad with brandon.

So..soc test today went..awful. I don't get why i don't study. I want to do well...but I don't want to study
..And i have a clarinet lesson tomorrow and I have NOT practiced at all this past week...and bassoon/orchestra tomorrow..oh boy...

I want to see austin now.